Living in grace
Real life in the form of a nasty case of strep that knocked me on my back for about a week necessitated a hiatus from this blog and from work. My husband and close friends can tell you how much I don't like being sick and missing commitments such as work. I can be responsible about such things to the point where it becomes a fault; I get sick and I keep pushing myself because I don't want to be "irresponsible" or "let other people down." This in turn often makes said illness worse, and when as a result I do have to miss work I feel guilty. This cycle has been a struggle for me much of my life, and this year was a struggle in a big way when I had some health issues a few months back that resulted in me having to take a leave of absence from my job. And yet I've learned to be thankful for getting sick.
I'm thankful because getting sick this year has taught me how to start breaking this cycle. Struggling with illness at different points this year has taught me that when I make it about what I can do I will fail. I tend to get in a rush in life, especially at work where I constantly like to be in motion physically or mentally. I'm big on to do lists and being able to cross as many items off that list in a day as humanly possible is a game I play against myself and quite frankly can be a source of pride at times. I push and push to do more and be better.... To try to be "that girl", the one who seems to have everything together with the picture perfect family and the one at work who always has the answer.... To attempt to reach what I consider to be a perfect ideal. Sure, I might do well for quite a while while pursuing these goals, but sooner or later I will reach a breaking point because my efforts alone will never be enough. Then when I fall short of the picture I've set in my mind I feel less than...guilty...condemned.
I do the same thing in my spiritual life in a way. Once again I have a picture in my head of what "Christian Julia" should be like. She should read her Bible every day, be at church every Sunday, serve others in certain ways. She should always, always, always do the right thing. On the outside I might even look like this Julia to other people, and for a while I do well enough on my own to even fool myself. Sooner or later though I get complacent about being in the Word. I miss church, maybe even for a good reason. I slip up; I stumble; I fall. Once again the record plays in my mind, the one that says I'm not doing enough to keep God's approval and love. I've fallen out of His good grace.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve, work hard, be the best version of yourself possible. The problem comes in when work, family, serving, faith, life become about our efforts, our accomplishments and our failures... When it becomes about us period, instead of about God, His glory, His power, His grace, His love, His strength at work in us. When we take our focus off of God and put it in what we think we can do, condemnation finds a foothold in our hearts when we inevitably fail, and such condemnation is never from God. "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)
God wants us to remember that life is not about us or our efforts, it's about His love and grace for us..."For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and this not from yourselves; it is the gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9) He doesn't want us wasting our strength on trying to win something from Him that He has already freely given to us through the work of His Son on the cross. He wants us merely to live out our faith - and as a result our lives - in the same way we received it, through the grace and love gifted to us through Christ. "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." (Colossians 2:6-7)
I'm thankful because getting sick this year has taught me how to start breaking this cycle. Struggling with illness at different points this year has taught me that when I make it about what I can do I will fail. I tend to get in a rush in life, especially at work where I constantly like to be in motion physically or mentally. I'm big on to do lists and being able to cross as many items off that list in a day as humanly possible is a game I play against myself and quite frankly can be a source of pride at times. I push and push to do more and be better.... To try to be "that girl", the one who seems to have everything together with the picture perfect family and the one at work who always has the answer.... To attempt to reach what I consider to be a perfect ideal. Sure, I might do well for quite a while while pursuing these goals, but sooner or later I will reach a breaking point because my efforts alone will never be enough. Then when I fall short of the picture I've set in my mind I feel less than...guilty...condemned.
I do the same thing in my spiritual life in a way. Once again I have a picture in my head of what "Christian Julia" should be like. She should read her Bible every day, be at church every Sunday, serve others in certain ways. She should always, always, always do the right thing. On the outside I might even look like this Julia to other people, and for a while I do well enough on my own to even fool myself. Sooner or later though I get complacent about being in the Word. I miss church, maybe even for a good reason. I slip up; I stumble; I fall. Once again the record plays in my mind, the one that says I'm not doing enough to keep God's approval and love. I've fallen out of His good grace.There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve, work hard, be the best version of yourself possible. The problem comes in when work, family, serving, faith, life become about our efforts, our accomplishments and our failures... When it becomes about us period, instead of about God, His glory, His power, His grace, His love, His strength at work in us. When we take our focus off of God and put it in what we think we can do, condemnation finds a foothold in our hearts when we inevitably fail, and such condemnation is never from God. "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)
God wants us to remember that life is not about us or our efforts, it's about His love and grace for us..."For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and this not from yourselves; it is the gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9) He doesn't want us wasting our strength on trying to win something from Him that He has already freely given to us through the work of His Son on the cross. He wants us merely to live out our faith - and as a result our lives - in the same way we received it, through the grace and love gifted to us through Christ. "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." (Colossians 2:6-7)
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